Warning: This post might be all over the place. Just jotting down my feelings.
I sound so emo, but I don’t really have a reason to complain. Yet I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this. It is definitely a first world problem I’m experiencing. But basically, I’m finding it hard to ‘earn a living’ as opposed to ‘living’.
If I quit my job around the end of April, I have about 7 more months until I take the plunge. On one hand it feels like it’s coming up. Sometimes I’ll have anxiety attacks like oh my god, this is really happening and it’s happening soon. I better have my shit together. On the other hand, I feel like it’s a million light years away.
Every day, I get in the car and drive the same dull 10 minutes to work. No complaints about the commute time. It’s amazing. But I realize the car ride over to work is probably the most depressing time of my days. I look out, and I see the same road I’ve seen for about 23 years. I’ve lived where I’ve lived for over 20 years. I think the fact that the path sits on an area I’ve been all my life makes me feel like I’m driving down the road of my life. As I drive down this path, I say to myself “this may be my future”. These same trees, these same buildings, this empty space, I’m going to see this every day. I’m going to drive to work every day while my years slip away, and my life will continue on this mundane route.
I think another thing that’s hard for me to bear is that because I’ve been working on all these other income channels, I fail to do that good of a job at work. In fact, I just don’t work when I don’t feel like it. I seriously cannot bear living my life at a desk, and I have no motivation to work for another person. Especially when the product we have is terrible. All of our customers are unhappy. Our production team cannot support the amount of orders we’re getting, so why would I try harder in marketing? To drive more sales and dig us into a deeper hole? It doesn’t make any sense. All of these reasons and my lack of dedication make me feel like I’ll get fired at any minute. It’s kind of sad but if I do get the boot, I’ll feel like I deserved it. I just know I’d disappoint my parents if I DID get fired. But at this point, who cares.
Did I Consider Moving Out?
I currently live at home and am saving a ton of money. Of course there’s a huge trade off – I don’t get to live in the city to have fun and blow money. But I refuse to move out and live somewhere an hour away (San Francisco) in one of the most expensive cities in the world. If I’m going to pay that kind of money, I better be somewhere unfamiliar and different.
My Life These Days…
So instead, I’ve been at home. For 3 years I’ve refused to pay money to live somewhere close by. It hasn’t been too bad, but the older I get the harder it’s become. I definitely need to move out soon. I’m glad that my mom has taught me well about saving money. Even though I want to leave the 9-5 and travel, I still care about financial freedom and feel I can achieve it earlier if I believed in myself and took a leap of faith.
Instead of blowing my money on rent, I bought a house which I rent out to tenants. As of yesterday, I have evicted these tenants cause they haven’t been paying the rent. It’s been a nightmare dealing with them, but I’m glad they’re out. I hope this time we’ll screen a lot more tenants and find the right people for the place, and I can possibly gain a decent amount of passive income from these means.
I’ve been obsessed with this show “Nashville” on TV. I know. I shouldn’t be spending my time watching TV, but I’ve finished the series up to the newest episode and I just feel so much more inspired to make music. I just want to stop caring about what people think and live for myself. I had spent my life creating music covers and now I’ve realized it’s just not fun anymore. Instead, it’s much more worthwhile and fun when I’m creating my own music. So when my mom leaves for Hong Kong and I have the house to myself, I’m going to start songwriting again a lot more.
And because of the show, I bought a used Martin guitar online for $310. Can you believe it?! The guitar I bought is normally retailed around $750. I just hope that the guitar arrives in decent condition. And I hope that this purchase will keep me inspired musically.
One of my problems with music is my stage fright. However, today I signed a contract with a booking agency (but they say they’re more like consultants rather than an agency). The contract begins on March 2016 because I’ll be able to do gigs abroad if I quit my job around April. They were even telling me about a tour in China in which I’d get paid $5000/month if I perform at venues abroad, and they’d pay for my flights, hotel stays, etc. Another booking agency contacted me, but I don’t know if that will go through. They’re kind of pissing me off. Anyway, these deals are non-exclusive so I don’t feel like I’m taking much risk. When I was signing the deal, I started getting a lot of anxiety though. Performing, being in front of people, it’s not my thing. Should I make it my thing? I don’t know. I need to figure out what my direction is in terms of music.
Not Enough Exercising and Socializing
I’ve just become a hermit basically. I have too much on my plate that I feel less need to hang out with people or work out. However, this is a problem that I need to fix. I need to have balance in my life. I figured though that when my mom leaves for Hong Kong, I’ll become more lonely and have more inclination to go rock climbing and to see people.
Keeping Things Secret…
I think I’m starting to become a hermit also because I don’t want people to ask me how I’m doing and what I’ve been up to. I hate those questions…I don’t want to explain to them things that they don’t care about. And I don’t really care about what people are up to either, unless they’re as excited about things as I am.
And I don’t want to spill all my secrets on what I’ve been working on. All my projects take a lot of time and energy just studying how things work. It’s really frustrating when I help others, and people just take my secrets and use them without helping each other mutually. I’ve experienced that first hand with my music. So now, I realize I need to be in that position in which I become the inspirational figure cause I’ve DONE IT. I’ve reached my goals.
This year, I’m really trying to learn to shut my mouth and get shit done.
Now that I’m focusing on kindle books, this part has been pretty slow. I’ve outsourced two writers. The quality of their content? Not so good…But once I get the 10,000 words from each of them, I will start editing and formatting them, and then I’ll figure out the process of putting up the books. Until them, I’m kind of on a hiatus I guess. Feeling a little bit like my time is freed though it’s not really that free. I think I should start looking into doing stuff on Fiverr and AirBnB. For now I’ve been reading a bit more to stay prepared. Although, I don’t think reading will get me to where I want to go. I need to take more action.
How do I survive these last few months? It’s always a roller coaster of emotions. It’s a lot harder when I don’t have a ‘partner in hustle’. Maybe I should find one…