Lately I’ve been discussing the effects of nomadism on relationships and companionship. I’ve also been talking to friends back home about their love lives. And I’m starting to realize why timing is a huge factor in the success/duration of relationships.
I mean people say it all the time, that timing is everything. But I kind of feel like being a digital nomad has made me think about this aspect more, and it’s required me to analyze the different experiences and mindsets of people (including myself) and how they impact their ability to be in a relationship.
More Choices vs. Less Choices
Before I left the country, I knew I wasn’t ready for commitment, though I’d try to push myself into getting into a relationship because of societal pressures. After leaving the country I was able to think more for myself and not get caught up with how I SHOULD live. I’m the type who doesn’t like being restricted into a defined path. It sounds selfish, but I like the freedom of doing what I want to do. I always hear about how marriage and kids are great, but also NOT great. If your partner doesn’t share your mindset, and you’re dependent on active income, and you have kids to take care of…let’s face it. Your future starts getting defined and you realize that the next 30 years of your life will consist of a mortgage, bills, and 4 office walls every day.
My nomadic friend told me “sometimes having so much choice is good, but other times it weighs you down.” Essentially he was indicating that with all these choices, we start experiencing some inner turmoil not knowing which path is the right path. With so many options – do we take a full-time job, or do we freelance / start our own business / seek clients? And do we settle down, look for a partner, or do we stay nomadic?
When trying to come up with the perfect solution to my unknown future, I do come across feelings of anxiety/confusion/helplessness from time-to-time. Like my friend says though, they’re temporary feelings. I’d rather have an unwritten future than one limited path.
The “Timeline”
I’ve also realized that I constantly try to control my timeline. What I mean by that is, I try to make it so that I achieve personal success first, THEN get involved in a relationship and have kids, as to minimize sacrifice…(I know…selfish…)
I spoke with my friend from home, and we have very similar mindsets about our “timelines” – but she is in a completely different situation as me. She’s in a relationship with a guy who’s morally good and is totally boyfriend/husband material (in the past she had dated some assholes). But she worries there might be something missing or something more out there.
In this situation, she wonders if she should settle down with him and wonders if he’s the good boy she should grow old with. At the same time she’s like me. She loves change, and she loves new experiences. She doesn’t know if she’s settling too early in fear of the unknown, in fear of constantly messing around with bad boys and missing out on a good thing.
Our situations are completely opposite, but our mindsets are similar. We both dream of personal success first, then relationship, then marriage/kids. But what happens if we find “marriage material” before we’re 100% ready for commitment?
The 5 Types of People When It Comes to Relationships and Timing
After considering people’s experiences and personalities I’ve come up with this classification of people in terms of their readiness to be in a relationship. It sounds kind of weird but I feel like it puts timing into perspective and makes you realize it’s not just about finding “the one”. It’s also about finding “the one” at “the right time” – which makes long-term relationships/marriages so difficult!
Type A
When it comes to relationships, type A would be someone who’s fully ready to commit, either because:
1) That’s just how they’re wired and they don’t like change. They’ve always enjoyed long-term companionships and commitments and don’t like to stray into the unknown and uncomfortable.
OR
2) They’ve seen and done it all already. They have experienced the YOLO phase. They’ve met people from all around the world, had long-term relationships, open relationships, flings, casual dates, meaningless hook-ups, EVERYTHING…and are completely in tune with what they’re looking for now that they know what’s out there.
Type B
Type B is committed to someone but is unsure if it’s the right time to settle down at this point in their life. It’s like my friend. She’s committing, sort of, with doubts in her mind. She hasn’t fully experienced what the world has to offer yet to know if it’s the right path. And she’s young so she doesn’t know if it is too early to settle down.
Type C
Type C essentially hasn’t experienced much at all, and hasn’t drawn any conclusions from experience to know what type of person they are in terms of their readiness to commit.
Type D
Type D is unwilling to settle down, for now, and wonders if he or she will grow into becoming type A or type E. I’ve been a Type D for a while, and I’m still kind of there as I like that my book is unwritten, and I like change and having fun. Instead of facing the inner turmoil of settling down while wanting to live their youth, type D won’t commit yet and will experience more to try and draw some conclusions.
Type E
Type E is 100% a free bird. Type E never wants to settle down, perhaps because:
1) That’s just how they’re wired. He or she doesn’t experience an inner battle that comes with this feeling. He or she doesn’t feel a need for companionship, even with the societal pressures pushing one towards relationships and marriage.
2) This person has already experienced everything from fun to commitment, and has decided a path of settling down is not right for their personality type.
So What Does This All Mean?!
Obviously timing is just one of many factors in a relationship. But of course, there can be the extreme case in which love trumps all the timing crap and you just KNOW after you meet. That feeling is rare, but if it happens it can somehow change both partners into type A kind of people.
The types are fluidly changing in that you won’t always stay a type B or a type C, for example. Because we’re all on our own paths and timelines, our mentalities will fluctuate as we continue experiencing the life journey. What you wanted 10 years ago might not be what you want now. And because of timing, feelings of love alone might not be strong enough to bond two people together for life.
Yesterday I ate dinner with someone who gave me some new perspective. Her name is Filipa, and she taught me about her learnings from her previous and current relationship (and a lot of other things). Initially I made this post with no real conclusion. But after speaking with Filipa, I’ve realized to just follow your gut and do what feels right. Never get into a relationship out of societal pressures. And when you get into one, make sure you don’t come from a place of “lacking”. You have to love yourself before you get into a relationship or else it won’t work. People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. All you can really do is think about the present moment and learn from each experience. And rather than say “this person is the one“, just follow what feels right in the now.
That being said, I’ve started removing the concept of my “timeline” and I’m starting to just appreciate the present moment and what is in front of me. The only sort of timing factor to consider is that I want to make sure I fully love myself before committing to any relationship. As far as my classification of the 5 types of people, I think I’m currently slightly in the middle between type D and type A. Being in a world of change makes me appreciate certain constants, and who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone who appreciates freedom and time as much as me. And maybe I’ll meet someone who is location independent like me, or maybe I’ll meet someone who will make me want to stay in one place! The beauty of it all is that my future is unwritten.
